"Oh my, are they twins?"

     "Are these both your babies?" "Are they twins?" Are the first things people usually say to me in public.  Other people usually give me the sympathy eye, or the how old are you to have 3 kids already eye. To be honest, I like the attention.  Is that bad for me to say? I don't know. But I am in the house 24/7 so when I do get out I like a little attention. Hey, it was a lot of hard work cookin those babies for 9 months and getting them ripped out of me and then 0 sleep for at least 2 months so I say hey, I deserve a little attention. ;) The next question thing people say is usually one of two things. "I always wanted twins!" Or on the other end of the spectrum, "How do you do it? I don't know what I would do if I had twins." I usually respond with "Once you find out your having twins you just do it, there is no other option." But to be honest it is a little crazy thinking your body is capable of growing two babies inside of you and then you have to figure out on your own how to care for 2 babies at the same time.  Trying to balance your attention equally and teach them both equally and dealing with two very different personalities is crazy, but I love it. You get to have two happy faces looking at you, four hands and feet all jumbled together and twice the chub. Well maybe triple the chub with Emery.

     Now I am at a great age with them. 6 months old. They can't crawl yet, they are happy, and they sleep, well, better than they use to.  They sleep from 7 or 8 pm till about 4 or 5 am. Which is really amazing.  I'm just still like "Why can't you sleep in till 7 or 8 am?" I really love my sleep. Now I'm just acting spoiled.  If I remember back to that fuzzy newborn stage it went something, roughly, like this.
     They would fall asleep at whatever time they felt like at night, sometimes 6, or 7, or 8. Then they would wake up at maybe 11 to eat.  Then we would try and get them both to fall asleep.  They needed to be next to me or rocked in a swing.  Usually I would just pull them both in bed with me, one on each side, just to maybe get a tiny bit of sleep. And it was sooo hot with them both next to me. If their binkys fell out they were wide awake again.  Then they would wake up at 2ish am to eat.  Then one would fall asleep and sometimes the other would not fall asleep until 5 am and by that time the first one, who was sleeping, would wake up.  And I knew I was going on 2 - 3 hours of broken up sleep every night and still would somehow have to take care of my toddler Jade who would be waking up soon. Sometimes I would just lay there trying to get one of them to sleep, holding the binky in their mouths and they just squirmed and fussed and would not go to sleep and I would just be too tired to even cry. Just thinking about it again is nightmareish.  Also, I was still recovering from my C-section so getting up and down in the night all the time really hurt and really slowed down my healing process.
     So just writing that all out just made me be really really really grateful for how things are now with them being on a night time schedule!
     Well I better end this short once again.  The only way I was able to really get this done is because a friend has been watching Jade and she is home now, throwing her shoes against the wall as hard as she can. Here comes the tornado.

    

It's hard to dance with the Devil on your back so shake him off...

     One morning you wake up and go through the usual morning routine like you always do. After the kids are all fed and changed you get to eat your breakfast.  You get on Facebook like usual to see whats going on in other peoples lives. Then you start to think about all the things you have to get done that day, which are the same things you did yesterday: dishes, laundry, vacuuming, feed children, play with children, cook, clean up toys, maybe get a shower...maybe. Some days you have motivation to get 3/4 of the things on your list done, sometimes only one thing. But all the while you realize something is missing and has been missing for a while, but what is it? What is it and where did it go? You start to look at pictures on the walls of a life you had before, a life that seems like it was just a dream; fuzzy images that play through your head.  A life that had less purpose but still had something that you are missing now.  And then you realize, what you have lost, what is making you feel and not feel.  Your Identity. Where did it go and how can you get it back?
     Once you realize this you need to act and not wallow in self pity.  You need to find yourself again. Don't get me wrong it's not as easy as snapping your fingers.  It will be a daily battle to find yourself and keep yourself.  Especially with all the crying, whining, demands, poop, hungry mouths, and young minds that need constant stimulation and learning. Ok I know this might be sounding horrible and that I'm just saying that your children are just a bother that get in the way of your life. This is not what I am talking about.  We all know that your children are the best parts of you, they are the best things that have ever happened to you and you love them more than life itself. We all know this. But what we don't know is how to take care of ourselves, and keep our Identity intact. I admit I am still trying to find myself, a little piece of what I was before. I am trying to find that person they call Vanessa.
     I started digging. I will need to dig quite a big pit but I've already started to find pieces of me. I've realized what I need, and that is change and things to look forward to.  It's hard with no money but even just playing music that I love everyday and trying to plan things to do out of the house a couple times a week helps me start to feel like a person again.  Not just a manufactured robot to keep other people alive and happy. Yes I am a mother, but you can't be a very good mother to your children if you don't really know who you are and don't do things that make you feel happy and full of life. I hate to rush this post but Jade really needs attention, she is throwing her underwear at me so I think it's time to go.  But I just want to say, this is all about being the best person and mother we can be.  I know that motherhood is the highest honor and most important position we can have in this life and in the next.  But in order to become a queen you must know your worth and know who you are.