It's hard to dance with the Devil on your back so shake him off...

     One morning you wake up and go through the usual morning routine like you always do. After the kids are all fed and changed you get to eat your breakfast.  You get on Facebook like usual to see whats going on in other peoples lives. Then you start to think about all the things you have to get done that day, which are the same things you did yesterday: dishes, laundry, vacuuming, feed children, play with children, cook, clean up toys, maybe get a shower...maybe. Some days you have motivation to get 3/4 of the things on your list done, sometimes only one thing. But all the while you realize something is missing and has been missing for a while, but what is it? What is it and where did it go? You start to look at pictures on the walls of a life you had before, a life that seems like it was just a dream; fuzzy images that play through your head.  A life that had less purpose but still had something that you are missing now.  And then you realize, what you have lost, what is making you feel and not feel.  Your Identity. Where did it go and how can you get it back?
     Once you realize this you need to act and not wallow in self pity.  You need to find yourself again. Don't get me wrong it's not as easy as snapping your fingers.  It will be a daily battle to find yourself and keep yourself.  Especially with all the crying, whining, demands, poop, hungry mouths, and young minds that need constant stimulation and learning. Ok I know this might be sounding horrible and that I'm just saying that your children are just a bother that get in the way of your life. This is not what I am talking about.  We all know that your children are the best parts of you, they are the best things that have ever happened to you and you love them more than life itself. We all know this. But what we don't know is how to take care of ourselves, and keep our Identity intact. I admit I am still trying to find myself, a little piece of what I was before. I am trying to find that person they call Vanessa.
     I started digging. I will need to dig quite a big pit but I've already started to find pieces of me. I've realized what I need, and that is change and things to look forward to.  It's hard with no money but even just playing music that I love everyday and trying to plan things to do out of the house a couple times a week helps me start to feel like a person again.  Not just a manufactured robot to keep other people alive and happy. Yes I am a mother, but you can't be a very good mother to your children if you don't really know who you are and don't do things that make you feel happy and full of life. I hate to rush this post but Jade really needs attention, she is throwing her underwear at me so I think it's time to go.  But I just want to say, this is all about being the best person and mother we can be.  I know that motherhood is the highest honor and most important position we can have in this life and in the next.  But in order to become a queen you must know your worth and know who you are.